Apparently I Have a Drinking Problem
by Roy Wood Jr.
I’m not that big on weddings. I’ll only go to them if I’m in them. A longtime friend asked me to be in his. I’ve known him since ’92 so I didn’t hesitate in saying ‘yes’. Weddings put me in a weird mood. I guess it’s all of the rituals that you have to watch as two people pledge their lives to each other. Plus as a groomsman, there are too many people telling you what to do: “Stand here, Walk here, Wear this, Say This.” Does it HAVE to be that way?
I’m not knocking those who choose the traditional path but to be honest I could get married at the county court house with 2 witnesses and be content. Most women cringe at this suggestion. Maybe I’m just anti-tradition. I think it would be romantic if a couple battle rapped each other as a show of their love. LOL. Battle rap your vows to each other. ‘8 Mile’ Style. Plus that would be entertaining for the crowd. No profanity of course… You’re in the house of the Lord.
No one is doing the Cha cha slide at my wedding. No cha cha slide, no bunny hop, no electric slide, no Lean with it rock with, or any other Urbanized form of Country line dancing. Any dance that a 4 year-old and an 86 year-old person can do at thee same time is just weird to me. Instead I want people to break dance.
The ultimate for me would be before my wedding to have a funeral. An open casket tribute where I lay my single hood to rest. In the casket would be condoms, pornos, raggedy mismatched clothes, my cell phone (* With numbers of other women*), pictures of ex-girlfriends, dirty underwear, Hot pockets and anything else that can be commonly associated with a single man.
People would come up to the casket funeral style and say goodbye to the “Old Roy”. Pallbearers would close the casket and carry it out and then walks in the “New Roy” and the Groomsmen. The regular wedding traditions could proceed after this. All jokes aside. I HONESTLY would like a wedding like that.
I know no sane woman will ever agree to this, which is why I never suggest it. A funeral / wedding goes against every wedding a woman has daydreamed about or seen in those bridal magazines.
Weddings are for the bride anyways so it’ll be in my best interest to just go along with whatever the woman wants.
It’s not specifically weddings that annoy me. I think it’s pretty much any ritualistic ceremony. People singing the birthday song at restaurants drives me up the wall. The ONLY reason I went to my college graduation is because a gig cancelled in South Carolina. Even Bachelor Parties I don’t understand. I missed the Groom’s bachelor party because I was in Vegas. I would’ve gone, but when you really sit back and analyze a Bachelor party it’s really selfish of the groom.
GROOM: “Hey Fellas I’m getting married. So to celebrate I want you to gather up naked women and pay them to dance for me. Some of these women will want to have sex, but I wont do it…because I love my fiancé”
In any other setting this would seem to be counterproductive. A group of single men finding sexually charged women to dance for a friend THAT DOESN’T INTEND TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM? HUH? Seems a little selfish of the Groom. How about YOU go round up women for us. You know as a little thank you for covering the costs of your tuxedo rental.
One wedding tradition that I didn’t know about was the groom giving a gift to all the Groomsmen. The gift was a pleasant surprise. The Groom’s gratitude was more than enough for me but nonetheless for being well behaved during the most important day of his life I was rewarded with a 4oz. flask, which had my name, engraved on it. When someone gives you a flask it’s one of those gifts you have to sit and think about. I don’t have a drinking problem. I average about one crown and coke a month. No beer, no wine. The entire time I’m holding the flask thinking… Do I have a drinking problem? Does the Groom see something that I don’t see? And if he does, why would he give me an alcoholic to-go cup? What kind of friend is that? And to give me a flask is one thing… But to give me one with my name engraved on it? Am I that much of a drunk that I can’t remember my own name? I have to look at the flask before I introduce myself?
It’s like getting someone an engraved crack pipe and you don’t know if they smoke or not. What do you say? And hell if you don’t smoke crack now you have to start smoking it, because you don’t want your friend to think that you’re not using it. He’ll come over from time to time he’ll want to see the Crack pipe out on the dresser and in use.
The flask was a wonderful gesture from a great friend. Who knows, I might need to sneak 4 oz of Crown Royal into a Cubs game one day and it’ll come in handy.
Another touch to my wedding is that everyone is going to get an invite to my divorce proceedings. You can even come to the house and get your wedding gifts back. Which I think should be a new tradition. If I get you a wedding gift and you and this chick are screaming divorce after 2-3 years. I want my $60 gift card back. Or at least invite me to court so that I can root the groom on as he tries to keep the woman from taking half his finances. Let ‘em argue it out in court and then decide custody of children and assets via a battle rap.
It makes sense to me… Which is why it’ll never happen.
Go check out RWJ's page...He's one of the most underrated comedians! Go check out his New Faces of Black History. Hilarious!
Well, have a great weekend...
...I'll keep you posted